Does Love Make You Happy?

The bible (if I remember correctly) says something about living on love, bread and water alone. And so I grew up thinking that if 2 people love each other, everything will be allright, they will live happily ever after. I used to think love alone was enough.

Now I know better.

I reckon love makes up only 50% of the "happily ever after" bit. The other 50% includes working at your relationships with other people, be that your partner/wife/husband, or family member. As well as respect, and the willingness to compromise.

I have known (and still do) lots of couples who love(d) each other dearly, yet still were unhappy, couples who went on like that for years and years in misery, and couples who broke up even though they still clearly loved their partners.

Why is it that love can make us so unhappy?

And what is love? How does it differ from "being IN love"? What does it mean to be happy, what does it take to be happy? And where does simple short-term pleasure come into it?

See, I have noticed from my own life, that I always think I will be happy when this and that happens, when I drive that nice car, when I have that perfect job, when I buy my dream house. We all think that we will be happy when a certain condition is met, when in fact, this will only bring pleasure. And unfortunately, we all mistake pleasure for happiness!

I think being happy is not so much something that happens to you, but rather a decision you have to make. Being happy, truly happy, means you have to decide to BE happy today, to enjoy life as much as possible, though of course, never at someone else's expense. But you have to relax and realise that having that nice car, or that dream house, it's not going to make you happy, it's only going to give you pleasure. And while pleasure can certainly add to your happiness, it cannot make you happy. And even if it did, it will strictly be short-term.

And just as worldly possessions cannot make you happy, neither can other people. Your partner cannot make you happy, your best friend, or brother or sister cannot make you happy, they can only add to your existing happiness.

So how do you become happy? By making that decision to be happy despite the fact that you drive a crappy car, life in an old house with a leaking roof, or hate your job. Learn to appreciate the little things in life, the smell of the grass in the park, the feel of a warm towel fresh out of the tumble-dryer against your cheek...It's the little things that count, that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Having possessions can add to your happiness, it can give you pleasure, but it cannot MAKE you happy. Neither can being in a relationship MAKE you happy! A good relationship with a loved one will only give you pleasure, which once again, ADDS to your happiness. The better the relationship, the more the pleasure derived from it, the more happy you will be. Of course, that doesn't mean you will be happy every moment of every day, but you will be happy MOST of the time, and people will like you more because of it.

The opposite is also true, just as a good relationship makes you more happy, a bad relationship can make you UNhappy, no matter the amount of love between those involved. And when the unhappy moments starts to outweigh the happy ones, you have to consciously and logically realise, that no matter how much you love this person, it may not be worth it for you any more. But that's a very fine line to walk.

Consider: When 2 people love each other, when does enough become too much? How long do you put up with the unhappiness before you call it quits? That is a question only you can answer. I have always believed that I can only handle so much unhappiness before I need to leave, no matter the amount of love that exists. But you may be more patient.

I guard my happiness jealously, but never at someone else's expense. I never hold anyone responsible for my happiness, but neither am I willing to be held responsible for someone else's. I can promise to add to that happiness, to do my best to create pleasurable moments, but I cannot create happiness for someone else where there is none.

So how happy are you with your life? How good are your relationships with your friends, family and life-partner? Do you add to their happiness or do you create unhappiness? With how much respect do you treat them, and how much respect do they treat you with?

If you find you are UNhappy with your life and your relationships, maybe you need to take a closer look at happiness, and how you define it, and what you can do to change your situation.

But always remember, never hold someone else responsible for your happiness!

Regards
Webmaster
Spiritual Paths
February 2005